he made it!

so apparently i only write on this when i’m upset about something with brenden. he’s having surgery tomorrow. insane. i’ve had a hard time keeping myself together the last few days but i have to say i had a neat experience where God has been very consistent to reassure me that it’s okay to have the surgery. the surgery isn’t too specially intense it’s just the anesthesia. he’s getting two kinds, oral gas and iv. it freaks me out. i don’t really care what happens with the surgery, as long as he comes out of the anesthesia i’ll be happy! :) i had someone say once when his son had to get put under for a procedure ‘you never really know if they’re gonna come out of it’. come on dude. it was just an honest comment, not at us at all, but it’s something the devil is trying to use against me. but God has countered him. i honestly don’t understand why we couldn’t go the spiritual healing route, like prayer healing, which happens all the time, and God’s done it to brenden many many times! i’m trying to piece everything together.  there has been a lot of speaking into this situation, even though i’ve kept it very private. i so appreciate my friends. mikey and brenton prayed for a surprise. i really think i’m getting that surprise. i think it’ll tie into why God chose to do the surgery route. i thought he might get healed before the surgery, and who knows if he did, the doctors won’t retest him, but as well as i can possibly hear God i have heard/felt every time that it’s okay to go ahead with the surgery. and thursday night at the ember days’/ath’s show jase was praying beside me and he was telling me stuff, unrelated pretty much, and i was listening but in my head over and over i was like but why God? why do we have to do the surgery? why can’t he get healed before? why do we have to do the surgery route?  and jase goes camille God wants you to know that you can trust Him, and that His timing is perfect. and i just choose to stand on that, because for him to come up with that at that moment when he didn’t know what i was thinking, i know it’s real. i love prophetic stuff. i love it when you just have to know it’s real because there’s just no other way for that knowledge or that relevant word to have happened. anyway, i’m really scared in a way, but i’m more thankful that God has spoken into this situation so much that even i can have faith. this is the biggest risk i’ve ever taken because noone is more precious to me than brenden. lots of people are close but he’s just my life. God help me out. i know You will but i’m just asking again.

we are going to redlands soon. i used to be so excited to go but all i want to do is stay home with my child. how can i leave him? how do people do that? they whine about needing a getaway from their kids. not to be judgemental but what is wrong with you? you are doing something wrong. if you can’t enjoy your time with your kids you screwed up something. i’m afraid i’m going to ruin the whole trip by just wanting to be back with brenden. poor neil. i was so excited to be going to tithemi and stuff but it’s like if brenny can’t come and get prayed over and loved on and see the worship and stuff, i don’t know, he’s part of my family and i want him there. plus if i get blown up on the airplane i’m going to be pissed. obviously i think i’m not but i want him raised to love Jesus and i want a hand in that! i want to protect him and make sure no one ever hurts his feelings and make sure he eats healthy food and smiles every day. no one will ever love him as much as neil and i do. i’ve been thinking about it a lot, for a long time, if we died who would we ask to raise him.  bernard and vanessa, and two couples who i won’t say have been my answer, but probably neil’s parents.  brenden gideon please grow up to love the Lord! i feel confident that he will because jackie and i got the same vision of him, who he’s going to be, and it was like before i even really knew jackie, so, that’s about as exciting as life gets, getting the relief that your kid is going to wind up in the right place eternally. gosh and maybe sooner than i think. with all this famine and war and earthquake stuff i’m starting to feel like we are one of the last generations! that’s why i felt that eric g. and thommy g.’s wives were pregnant with boys, our sons will be in the ‘army of the chosen one’. rob and millie too maybe. as far as having a boy. i am sure they will have a saved child!  i hope my family makes it.  i love my Dad. i am rambling so much because noone reads this. oh maybe cory doom does? eee. cory we will drive to wherever you are to see you! i’ll get ahold of you, we want to hang out! even if you only have a lil bit of time.

i guess we will have fun in CA. be young, have fun, drink pepsi. the wedding should be awesome, i die laughing when those sg boys dance so i can’t wait for the reception, and i can’t wait to hang out with the gregsons and geoff and candice! candice is my new favorite person. she and joey cupcake need to be my neighbors! i just don’t want to leave my child. brenden if mommy gets blown up know that she loved you more than anyone and anything.

also, not to brag but it looks like the church that loyal & mollie thurman is starting up, which we will be a part of and help them, is going to have matt from the ember days as a worship pastor/leader. oh snap! dropped that name like it was hot.

okay, i’m going to california. to do: cucas, see doom, market night, savior’s place, tithemi, harass geoff about meshuggah, and buy brenden a million souveniers. i love him. :)